The Hormones...They are Bad

Just a nubbin, if you will.

Ladies, do you ever get that surge of hormonal rage, so strong you want to pick up the nearest object and fling it against a wall? I just had one of those!

Every time the phone rings, my immediate response is to pick up the telephone and hurl it! When I listen to people talk, I just want to start banging the receiver against the desk, a-la Sandra Bullock in "Divine Secrets".

But I don't. Because I have to be civilized and not give into the awful hormones that tell me that kind of behavior is totally and completely justified and acceptable.

Oh PMS...how I loathe thee.

Must. Try. To. Be. Nice.

That is all.

-A

He Hears You

This past Sunday, the Pastor at Church gave a sermon that moved me to tears. I felt like he was speaking directly to me. The basic gist of it was this: In your darkest hours, when you go through things that tear your soul to shreds, is when you pray the hardest...and God hears you.

He's right. I really thought about it and I have come to this conclusion: He does listen.

In your darkest hour, when your heart hurts and your soul cries out, He hears you. When you are on your knees, sobbing, begging to be released from the pain you are in, He hears you. When things look so bleak that you think you will never make it out to the other side, He hears you. When you are huddled into a corner, praying that you could just have the strength to leave your own house, He hears you. When you feel like your life is falling down around you in tiny little pieces, He hears you. When you scream out in frustration and rage and anger, He hears you. When life seems like it is literally too much to bear, and you are Atlas with the weight of the world sitting on your small shoulders, He hears you.

I have also come to this conclusion: God will not wave a magic wand and make everything better for you. It just doesn't work that way. Lord knows, I wish it did. However, if it DID work that way, then we would learn nothing and go around making the same mistakes, over and over again. That doesn't make much sense, now does it? It's almost like parenting. Parents, when your child falls down while learning to walk, do you go over every single time and pick them back up? As much as it hurts your heart to make them learn to stand on their own two feet, even though you know it could hurt them or bruise them, you know you have to. Otherwise, they will learn nothing. They will fall down, again and again, and look to you to solve their problem.

Life is not that way. When you make mistakes and fall down, you have to learn to acknowledge why you have fallen down and learn to stand up again, knowing that you will not make that same mistake again. And God sees this. I think He places things in your path so that you will LEARN. He doesn't expect you to be perfect. He knows you're human and you're fallible. He knows you will fall down and you will mess up. But He also knows, like any good parent, that you will be able to get back up, even if you have to ask for His help to do so. And when you do, He will be there, cheering you on. I honestly cannot believe in a God who sits there in constant, angry judgment of us. I believe that all God wants is for us to believe in Him, understand our mistakes, truly seek forgiveness, and try our best to live good lives. He knows that we will sometimes fail in this and He understands. He didn't create us to be drones or robots. He gave us free will for a reason.

I am by no means an expert on God. This is simply what I've come to understand and believe in the course of my life. I'm still learning and I am still falling down and failing miserably sometimes. The Lord knows I've made my fair share of mistakes in my life, some worse than others. They have forced me to take a long, hard look in the mirror and to understand that sometimes, I will not like what I see. And that sometimes, life will be extremely hard. It's what you do with what you have learned that really makes the difference. Should you simply shrug off your mistakes and say "Meh, I'll deal with it later" or "Meh, what does it matter?", then you will have learned nothing and you will never grow as a person. Should you lay your faults at another person's doorstep, then you will only be doing yourself a disservice. If you look at your mistakes and really SEE them, and FEEL them, and humble yourself before them, then that is where change happens. Because unless you truly and deeply understand where you went astray, then nothing will ever change and you will continue on a path that is self-destructive and harmful.

So, that being said, from this point forward, I have made the conscious decision to live my life in a much better way. A way in which, when I look in the mirror each day, I can be happy with what I see. I'll leave you with a line from one of my favorite movies, which pretty much sums this up:

"I think it can be best said...'The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."
"Well, what about the road back? What's that paved with?"
"Humility....:"

For Your Consideration

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

written by Max Ehrmann in the 1920s

Random

Here's some random thoughts that are plowing through my brain right at this particular moment:

1. I just hit my knee and my funny bone within minutes of each other. Minutes. Not hours or days. Minutes. Friends, I am so freakin' clumsy it's not even funny. For example: A few months ago I was having a really good self-esteem day. You know those days where you just KNOW you look good. Those don't happen for me often, but when they do, whoa buddy. Anyhow, I was wearing a little black dress, tights and these cute high heels with black satin bows on them. Hmm...as I describe them, they don't sound all that cute. But they are! Trust me! Anyhow, a client came in and I went to go get my boss to let him know that one of his appointments had arrived. As I'm walking, one heel catches in one of the bows and I face-plant on the ground, legs sprawling into the air, one shoe flying for freedom. All in front of this client. Bless his heart, he didn't laugh. Although, I sure as hell would have! All I can say about that is thank God I was wearing tights.

2. I'm kind of a water snob. I won't drink tap water. Unless it's filtered. I don't trust it and I don't like having to wonder what those teeny little floaty bits are in my water. So I drink bottled water. Yes, I'm one of THOSE people. Ruining the planet and all that stuff. Anyhow. I will really only drink Smart Water. Would you like to know why? I'll tell you! Not because it tastes better than other water (which it does). Not because it has electrolytes (which it does). No, friends, I drink Smart Water because they have funny little blurbs on them. And pictures of sea creatures inside the bottle.

Someone help me.

3. I never eat left-over take-out food. Never. Ever. It will sit in my fridge for YEARS if I let it. I always plan to eat it but then that neurotic little part of my brain kicks into over-drive and I start imagining all the lovely little critters that have started to grow on my food. You know them! Salmonella? E-Coli (don't even get me started on e-coli)? Yes, those lovely little nasties. I could nuke the bejesus out of that food and I would still look at it suspect. I just can't help myself. I think it runs in my family...but that's another blog post.

4. I hate my fingers. I truly do. Wait, let me preface this one. I have a thing with hands. I look at people's hands and admire them or find them disturbing. One of the two. E, for example, has the best hands on a man that I have ever seen. There's just something about them that makes me swoon and fan myself, whilst muttering "Well I do declare, Mr. Beauregard!" (feel free to gag and run away. It's cool, I understand). I could just stare at his hands, and his mouth, all day long if he would let me. But he would probably think I'm psychotic and gag and run away. Rightfully so. But I digress. Back to my fingers. I dislike them. I have these tiny little hands with these little vienna sausage fingers. Carny hands, as my lovely friends like to call them. (carny folk - small hands, smell of cabbage, but I don't smell of cabbage...at least I hope not). I have always hated them. My friends have these long, pretty little delicate fingers and I'm over here with the midget man-hands. *sigh* It's a burden...

5. I'm going to rant a little here. Ladies on my floor in the building - this one's for you. We all share the same three-stall bathroom. And there are a lot of us on this floor. That nice smelling spray in the bathroom is there for a REASON. I understand we all have our days. I understand that perhaps that fourth taco from last night was probably not the best idea you've ever had. BUT COME ON! There is no reason whatsoever for you to leave the bathroom smelling that way. If I have to turn right back around after getting hit with a wave of foulness when I walk through the door, there's a problem there. Please, oh please, use the spray. For everyone's sake. You know who you are....I bet you were the one who misspelled "lift" on that sign. Aren't you?? I knew it. Bad speller AND bathroom bomber. Is there no end to your depravity???? I mean..honestly..

Hi! Still there? Awesome. 

I think that's all for now.

-A

This house...is CLEAN

I would take pictures, but I left my camera at E's house.

Blast.

Oh well. Speaking of E! I haven't really mentioned him here on my little corner of the web. I may have made reference to his bag of grapefruits, but that's about it. I have my reasons for keeping that part of my life private until...now.

I will write a much, much longer post about him when I get up the gumption. There's quite a bit to tell, haha. However, suffice it to say he is wonderful and I am very happy.

Back to the house! I went grocery shopping for the first time in about a month and a half. I know, I know. Fail Ashley, fail. My cupboards were so bare they looked like Mother Hubbard's (yes I did just say that). I'm so witty.

Where was I? Food? Groceries! Yes, yes, groceries. I went to Target and spent WAY more than I should have. Suffice it to say, $200.00 and a panic attack later, I was at home, unpacking. And I tell you what, unloading groceries is the only time I really find myself missing having a fella around. Well, that and when crap breaks and I am left running around in a panic, bemoaning my life. Or, when I need something from the top of said bare cupboards and can't reach it because I'm a midget. But I digress. It's such a pain in the rear-end to trek back and forth from the condo to the car, hauling groceries and cursing the entire time because your back hurts and you've been in heels all day long.

Maybe that's just me. God I sound old.

Anyway. I unloaded my groceries and then began to clean. For the next five hours. Now, when I clean, I CLEAN. My house is SPOTLESS. And damn that feels SO. GOOD. The cats are slightly traumatized, but it's clean. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't nasty or anything. However, it needed a good scrubbing down. A really good scrubbing down.

There's something so cathartic about cleaning like that. I usually clean like that when I am going through something. I'm what you might call an "angry cleaner". When I get REALLY pissed off, I clean. I think it helps me to think and clear my head. So, should any of you come over and find me cleaning and muttering various obscenities to myself, be assured that I am indeed extremely pissed off at that particular moment. And back away. Unless you want a dirty rag thrown at you.

Hi! Still there? Great!

I wasn't angry tonight though. This clean was more of a cleansing, if you will. A metaphorical cleansing of the soul that I desperately needed. I needed my home to feel like MINE again. And it finally does. It feels like my sanctuary again. And that feels really really good.

Anyhow, this has been an incredibly disjointed rambling of a blog post. I apologize. But I needed to get these thoughts out of my head.

Hence, blog.

Shades of Grey

I have this thing. I tend to redecorate when I go through transitions in my life. Since I have gone through a transition recently, I have this terrible urge to redo my bedroom. I love to decorate. I always have. In the past, I have sometimes been hindered by others who would not let my creative juices flow. But now..

No one can tell me what to do! Bwahahaha!

Anyways.

My bedroom currently looks like this:

 

It's different shades of green. The duvet cover is white with multiple hues of green on it. My sheets are a dark sage color and my curtains are a sheer, pale green. When the sun shines through my window, the entire room is bathed a soft green light. It's really beautiful. When I was decorating the first time, green was my shade of peace. I was going through a rather turbulent time in my life and I needed a sanctuary.  So, a sanctuary I had! My mattress is huge and it swallows you up when you get into bed. I love that. 

Anyhow, now it's time for a change. My life is no longer turbulent and I need something chic. I've been looking at a lot of different websites and I am really loving the shades of grey that seem to be popular right now. I love how the whites and greys and blacks fit together. It doesn't look depressing either. I figure I need to start with my duvet cover first. I found two that I really like.

 

I love the scroll design on this one. I have always loved white comforters with colored accents. It just looks so clean and crisp to me. 

 

However, this one I think may be it. I love things that incorporate nature into the design. It's been my experience that you should bring some nature indoors. This is just my way of doing it...without bugs. No one likes bugs!

The sheets would be a darker, metallic grey, similar to the green sheets I have now. Throw pillows would be in shades of grey and black. Since my bedroom furniture is a really dark brown, I think the white would contrast beautifully. It will be a work in progress. 

I'm excited. I love to redecorate things!

-A

Wherein I Geek Out

Allow me to illustrate how much of a geek I am for you lovely people (all 3 of all you). Today, I stalked all of the news websites for live updates on the iPhone coming to Verizon. You see, I used to have AT&T and had an iPhone, which I loved and adored. However, I made the choice to switch to Verizon for a variety of reasons and had to get rid of my iPhone. Sad, but true. I was then saddled with this phone that I LOATHE.

Let me tell you why.

This phone is temperamental. Allow me to expound upon that point. If I try to run more than one application on it, it freezes and says "*%^& you Ashley". If I set it down just a smidge too hard, it shuts off and says "*%^& you Ashley". Now, this is just simply unacceptable. While I lovelovelove the coverage I get with Verizon, I HATE my phone.

That's all changed now though. For behold, Verizon is getting the iPhone on February 10, 2011 and I shall HAVE ONE. Oh yes indeed.

That is all.

-A

Heart Beats

Last night I spent the night in the hospital with Berenice while she was in labor. Baby isn't born yet, as of this post but I will update soon.

My brain is a little scattered as I have only had two hours of very crappy sleep.

However, you haven't lived until you have slept on a pull-out hospital bed, next to one of your dearest friends, listening to the sound of her un-born baby's heart beats.

-A

Lake House

I feel I have been remiss in my posting. I shall rectify that...now.

I spent New Years Eve day at my friend Dwight's Lake House which is inhabited by his cousin, my dear friend, Teline. Whew! That was exhausting to explain!

You may visit Teline here: http://celluloidoutlaw.wordpress.com/ She talks about all sorts of interesting movie business stuff!

Where was I? Lake House? Oh yes. Lake House (I love how I'm capitalizing both words, makes it sound so important).

I have never been to a more peaceful place. Well, maybe the mountains, but this is an extremely close second! But I digress. This place is seriously in the middle of nowhere. To get there, you have to turn OFF the paved road. I had to pass through a town called "Spuds". Yes, friends, there is in a town in Florida called "Spuds".

Observe: Spuds

I literally burst out laughing when I saw the sign for the town. I had no idea what to do with myself. The drive wasn't too terrible. It only took a little over an hour to get there. The roads were pretty empty though.

 

Once I got there, I spent most of my time just chatting with Teline, filling her on the latest gossip, etc. I finally got a tour of the grounds and we sat out on the dock for a good long while, just talking and relaxing. 

 

I made Teline do this. I'm corny...

Anyways, so we're sitting out there, shooting the breeze when I get the bright idea to ask Teline to show me the fabled grapefruit tree. You see, at the Christmas party, Teline brought a huge bag full of grapefruits from said tree. Only Eli was brave enough to take it home. Bless him. 

 

The tree!

Inside the tree, Teline informed me, was a bird's nest. She advised that the (wow...I just said "advised"..can you tell what I do for a living??) baby birds talked to her whilst she was plucking the fruit from the tree. I informed her that I must locate this nest and observe the baby birds. 

 

I located the nest!!!

However. Apparently momma bird was displeased at me taking pictures of her wee ones. I looked up from the camera and momma flew right past my head into the tree. Needless to say, I was alarmed. I exclaimed "Whoa!!" and backed up quickly. Teline, however, took it to the next level. She yelled "OH NO! RUN AWAY!" and then proceed to....run away. Left me for dead, she did! I started laughing so hard I dropped my grapefruits. Literally.

So, after near death by pecking, we went back inside and Teline started cooking. I helped...by observing. And taking pictures. 

 

I called it..."Afternoon at the Lake House"

 

I call it..."Lamp". Profound...I know.

 

 

And now...the food!

 

Pie...I didn't get to eat any. I was sad...

 

The best spinach and artichoke dip...ever.  

 

Is that not the most beautiful veggie tray? I think so. 

 

The falafel! 

I had a wonderful time there and ate lots of tasty food, as you can see. It was really good to just get away and relax and talk and gossip....and eat. 

Tah!

-A

I Am Enough

My friend Fallon, who I love and adore, sent me this link the other day to watch a talk given by Dr. Brene Brown.

Vulnerability

She speaks about why it is that we make do NOT make ourselves vulnerable. Basically, that we numb everything so people will not think us weak or small. And do you know, I thought she was speaking directly to ME? I was all "Hey Mrs. Brown! I didn't know you knew me! How odd." and gave a little wave at the computer screen.

In the past I have mentioned that I have a hard time expressing myself and letting myself show weakness or vulnerability. It's just the way I'm wired. So, listening to her speak was rather interesting, especially the very last part. She said that the best thing we can do to NOT numb ourselves is to tell ourselves that "I am Enough". That part, right there, was what really stuck a chord in me. Could it be that I am not the only one who struggles with the thoughts of "I am not enough..."?

Because I do. All the time.

It has always been my biggest fear and has always been my deep down most awful thought about myself - that I am not enough nor will I ever be. I think because I have, in the past, based so much of my identity on who I was in a relationship with that when they ended, I ended up feeling terribly inadequate and lost. Basically, I told myself that I just wasn't enough and I never would be. It's that terrible self-talk that can really screw you up.

To steal a line from a movie - "All the real, long-term damage, I've done to myself".

And I think that's true for a lot of people. People seem to be hard-wired to look at themselves in a negative light. Most people just cannot see what others see. My mother is a prime example. She can be so negative about herself that she forgets to look at the amazing person she is. She has this huge, giving heart that I can only one day HOPE to mirror. And yet...she doesn't see that. But I do. I see how she cares about people and what good she does for them. She thinks of things that I never would to help people. If she could tell herself "I am enough" and actually start to believe that, wow. Just wow.

So, I'm going to start trying to say that to myself from now on. Because I need to. I may not be perfect, but I most certainly am enough.

-A